Wednesday, June 23, 2010

It's All Good

President Obama has seen a consistent drop in approval ratings, to a point where he is approaching George Bushian standards only a year and a half into his reign. Those polled cited various factors that led them to express disappointment in the current administration:

“A major campaign promise Obama made was to reach across the aisle and teach both sides the value of compromise. I didn’t realize compromise meant those that disagree with him are wrong and need to see the light. Any candidate could have said that.” --Clark Douglas

“I voted for Obama because of the stance he took against George Bush’s handling of Hurricane Katrina…but this oil spill is a bigger disaster and Obama has done even less than Bush!” –Mike Sandalwood

“I’m against the Patriot Act, I think it’s unconstitutional. So when President Obama reinstated the Patriot Act, I guess I was just very disappointed.” --Sarah Manuella

“One of the platforms he ran on was job creation. I thought he was talking about creating real jobs, not just government roadwork jobs.” –Dave Largent

“I voted for Obama because he is black. Sure, he ran as a junior senator with only three years on the job, with no previous leadership experience. And yeah, someone that unqualified would never be on the ticket if they were white. So what? I know his inexperience is showing, and he has basically sold out the American spirit to kowtow to the rest of the world. And maybe he has done a pretty crappy job so far…but come on. He’s black. Black people are cool.” --Name Withheld (The first person ever to be honest about why they really voted for Obama.)

Personally, I think these voters are all being a little too harsh. I mean, before President Obama was elected we had that whole mortgage crisis and that has been solved. We had the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and those are seeing a reduction in troops…uh…someday.

Plus, George Bush created that whole Global Warming fiasco but look around you; does it feel like the Earth is heating up anymore? Clearly Obama has cured Global Warming. You know, Obama has done such a good job fighting Global Warming, it is almost as if Global Warming never really existed…

Anyway, many Obama voters have a growing concern that their needs and the needs of the country are not being met. They feel President Obama is absolutely not following through on the promises he made to be elected. In response to these concerns, the White House recently issued the following video explaining their side of the current state of the union:

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Sunday Conversations

The following is an excerpt from a recent Instant Message conversation between the writers of Two Brothers Rant. We are discussing some of the flaws in The Dark Knight:

DC- Oh, uh...I have this random sonar thing that is totally unethical and listens to everyone's conversations...and somehow I can recognize the Joker and he's in a building with an elaborate scheme. Also, he knows about my sonar and is expecting me to find him. But it's all ok because I'm Batman and uh...I don't know… I'm doing this for love or honor, or something.

AC- Oh, hello commissioner. I hope I'm not bothering anybody, but I was just in here at the crime lab looking over some documents and evidence to put together an air tight case. "What's that you say Batman?" Commissioner says, as he turns around, only to find Batman has disappeared like a thief into the night (or daylight in Batman's case)

DC- The prisoner in your police investigation won't cooperate? Give me some time with him. I'll rough him up while you guys watch...but he'll get the better of me and say things like "This is a problem your muscles can't fix." and I'll get embarrassed and act like a roided up head case. I'm Batman.

AC- And if all else fails, I'll read a poem to the prisoners regarding the line between right and wrong and who the true hero of Gotham City is. Followed by blowing something up and randomly falling off my motorcycle and getting injured. I’m Batman.

DC- Just so you know, I can fall ten stories and immediately scamper off into the night, but low speed motorcycle crashes nearly cripple me (but only sometimes, usually I can take it).
By the way, recent happenings in TV and movies make me think executives had the following conversation at one point: "You guys know what was really good? The 80's. Let's just redo the 80's, but with fancy special effects and better trained martial artists."

AC- Seriously.

DC- How the heck did Batman get those fingerprints off the bullet hole in the wall? And once he had the fingerprint, what did that lead to? I’m confused.
AC-If I remember right he reconstructed it. How do you reconstruct a bullet and fingerprints? And furthermore, was there any question who did it? Isn't that the point of Batman? He already knows who the bad guys are. One clue might have been that painted face lunatic running around blowing stuff up and shooting people. I knew it was him, even w/out the fingerprints to strengthen my case

DC- Is Joker going to be sitting in court and the prosecution will lose because they don't have an airtight forensics case? It's like "well, he announced his reign of terror, a bunch of people saw him carry out his reign of terror, he was caught in the middle of his reign of terror...but I'm afraid we are going to have to drop charges cause we can't get a solid fingerpr---, Oh, thanks Batman, this reconstruction of yours came in the nick of time."

AC- Yeah, but what kind of weight would that reconstruction hold in court. “Where did you get that fingerprint Batman?” “Well, I shot about 12 bullets into a wall, then I took the bullet out of the wall, ran in under a computer thingy and synthesized fingerprints. I can make that bullet belong to anyone! Hey, I could make a case against Abraham Freaking Lincoln for that murder w/ my print synthesizer!”

DC- He could solve all sorts of crimes with that technology. He probably knows who shot JFK.

AC- Just think about real life scenarios: There's a traffic accident at lunch time at Batman is just walking around with a notebook looking for clues. Sort of just in the background looking for things. It doesn't really make him superhero-ish

DC- Jotting down notes on his little brown clipboard...making clever observations. Hitting middle age, kind of getting a little older, a bit lazier, sort of chubby.
AC- Sitting there in briefing meetings at the start of shifts and the Lt. says, "Well, what do you have for us Batman." Then Batman stands up with a little extra flab in his suit to review the clues and everyone chuckles. Batman says, "Don't you know who I am? I once took down the Scarecrow and the Joker!" But no one would really believe him b/c they would think those are made up villains

DC- He loses his self confidence and start showing up with sweaty armpits and a 5 o'clock shadow. "I rode my Bat Bike here today." "Sure you did Batman" snicker the younger guys.

AC- So they start using him undercover. Think about it, it would be nothing for some drug dealer to see a guy in a bat suit ask you to sell him some drugs. So you do it, and suddenly the sirens are blaring and the new hot shot detective says, "Well done, Batman." Then the movie ends with the echo of a voice saying "well done ,Batman" as he wipes away a tear, buffs off his Batman Logo, then in his own voice, not the actual music, he goes Dun-Dun-Du-Dun Dun (Batman music) then he runs off into the night By the way, there was a girl w/ Turrets at Chili's yesterday.

DC- Was she yelling swears?

AC- Yeah sometimes, she yelled Cheater a lot

DC- CHEATER! Do turrets people type their swears too?

AC- I don't know. But it would be funny to have deaf turrets, cause they'd yell words that don't sound quite right in that deafy accent. CHEATUH!!

DC- lol

AC- Are you really laughing out loud?

DC- Yeah. For the first time I typed that because it was the best way to respond to what I did when I read "CHEATUH!" and thought of a deaf kid yelling it.

AC- I'm going to start saying LOL instead of laughing. Like if someone tells me a joke or if something funny happens, I'll just dead pan "lol"

DC- Mine was the world's second sincere LOL (the first time someone typed it they had to be sincere, right?)

AC- Yeah that's probably true. I don't think the first person that used IMHO meant it though. I don't think they actually considered their opinion to be humble

DC- I thought it was “In my honest opinion?” Which is redundant as well, I guess. So which is it? Is there a dictionary?

AC- I don't know. That could be something though, a text/chat dictionary. It could be pretty funny. I wonder how long until words like cuz and tonite are accepted as real grammar

DC- lol. ur so fne

AC- OMG B Nyc!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My Generation

Driving to lunch the other day, I was listening to a hip, young radio station. Usually I listen to sports talk radio, but since I would rather listen to deaf kids trying to harmonize than the Doug Gottlieb Show, I went with the standby music station.

A caller requested California Girls, which I thought was a strange request from the 15-year-old girl calling in. I didn't mind, though. The Beach Boys were a staple in my house growing up, and you can never go wrong with a classic. Instead of the high-pitched shrills of Brian Wilson, however, came a funky new Katy Perry song featuring Snoop Dogg.

Like a slap in the face, I realize I now have a "generation."

I started thinking about other defining icons of my generation that are now unheard of:

If you've ever zig zagged Bo Jackson up the field in Tecmo Bowl, you're from my generation.

If I tell you Girbauds were once the hottest thing and you don't have to Google "Girbaud" to know what I'm talking about, you're from my generation.

If I tell you it's best to start your trek in March as a banker, but not push it at a gruelling pace or Zeke might come down with Typhoid - and you know exactly what I'm talking about - you're from my generation.

If you still consider Mossimo to be a classy brand that you buy in upscale department stores, and not the generic, cheap brand at Target, you're from my generation.

If you've ever had Fruit Stripe gum and still remember the song from the Dunkaroos commercial, you're from my generation.

If you used to wear overalls with one strap undone, you're from my generation.

If you could answer any...and I mean ANY...question correctly in Saved by the Bell Trivia, you're from my generation.

If you see No. 23 on a jersey and immediately think of Michael Jordan and not Lebron James, you're from my generation.

If you ever anxiously awaited for the new Beckett to come out to assist you in trading cards (baseball, not Pokemon) with your friends, you're from my generation.

The list could go on, but I'm not sure I want it to. I still like to think I'm one of those rad guys that's down with it. But then I realize I'm just another dude looking back at my glory days saying things like "rad" and "down with it."

Oh well. I'm going to go play He-man versus Thundercats with my action figures now.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hey Rap Music, Who Shot Ya?

First of all, have you noticed our ads? ----->

Google sends a web crawler through the words in our blog and then tries to display ads that coincide with the apparent interest of potential readers based on our content.

So…uh…karate moves, garage shelves, action films, Victoria’s Secret Models.

Cross your fingers.

Now, I have to make a confession. Mom and Dad, this is where you stop reading.


Here it is: I went through a phase where I displayed an unhealthy love for gangsta rap. It started when I was about 15 and lasted…let’s see, I turn 30 next week, so…at least into my early 30’s.

This weekend, while mowing my lawn and listening to some of the best rap from the 1990’s (the pinnacle decade for rap music), I had an unsettling thought.

Guess who ended up the winner of all those rap battles? Guess who rose victorious from the East Coast/West Coast struggle? Guess who takes the title for destroying the most rappers?

No, not Biggie or Tupac, they dead. Not Easy-E or Big Pun neither.

Nope. The big winner?


Hardcore gangstas and Niggaz Wit Attitudes have all become mommy’s little helpers. They are all so well behaved and cute.

Don’t believe me? Look at the evidence.

Ice Cube: NWA’s most talented lyricist and credited with writing almost the entire Straight Outta Compton album. He is the mastermind behind the controversial song “F@#* tha PO-lice.”

Now Cube makes his millions doing something a little less hood: Starring in children’s movies and producing a new family sitcom for TBS.

Ice T- Remember when Ice T released “Cop Killa”? He now plays detective Tutuola on the hit TV series Law and Order: SVU.

Snoop Doggy Dogg- Murder used to be the case that they gave him, but now he is known as a lovable mainstream family man who enjoys USC football and hanging out with his kids. Sure, he still smokes weed, but now he does it in a sort of endearing, “crazy Uncle Snoop” way. I guess a West Coast party does stop.*sniff*

Dr. Dre- Forget about Dre. The guy does Dr. Pepper commercials. I don’t care what you say, Dr. Pepper commercials are something more than a G thang, baby (Death Row-er sorry-Dr. Pepper is the label that pays me).

Coolio- Just kidding, Coolio. You were never a gangsta in the first place. Hang in there, buddy.

Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy/Diddy/Diddy Dirty Money- Movie star, producer, dancer, cover-up artist, band leader, flamboyantly fun loving. He looks like you could just walk up to him and squeeze him, right?

Jay-Z- Saddest one if you ask me. Sean Carter used to be HUNGRY and he could spit game as well as anyone since Biggie. But now you see him sitting front row in a tuxedo at the presidential inauguration.

That ain’t hood.

Now he raps about being rich and well dressed and going to sporting events. You know who else could do that? 10 million white dudes.

Jay-Z used to say “Can’t leave rap alone, the game needs me,” and I believed him. Now I just wish he’d leave rap alone.

Look, the list could go on. The point is, I used have to hide this stuff from my parents. I put my Tupac CD in a Harry Connick Jr. case. I hid Jay Z in an Ella Fitzgerald case. Snoop? He was in the Neil Diamond box.

Nowadays if I want to listen to some Neil Diamond I hide it in my iPod under “New Snoop Album.”

Thanks a lot, Mom. Thanks to your tireless efforts to domesticate my rap idols I’m now forced to put up with guys like T.I. and Lil’ Wayne.