Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A Familiar Conversation

Well, it's been about 2 and a half months since I last posted. Doug has been carrying the Website admirably. I thought I'd at least throw something on the blog before I was removed from the partnership (I don't know if I mean our brother relationship here or the blogging relationship - in any case if I didn't blog soon Doug was going to remove me from one of them.)  Anyway, instead of me doing the talking, I've created two characters. Travis and Hyrum. Depending on their debut success, they may make more appearances on the blog.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Rise and Shout the Cougars are Out of Scapegoats

Aggies 31

Cougars 16

Should I really write the rest of this blog, or just leave it at that?

I mean, we already know what happened in the game, right? We know that Jake Heaps peed his pants, twice. We know BYU over-celebrated every tiny thing they did well, like a run play that went for longer than four yards. We know BYU fans and players, in an attempt to represent the early Saints, came to a location as visitors and tried to claim it as their own, then became self-righteously shocked when they were met with hostility.

And most importantly, we know the score doesn’t represent the magnitude of the blowout.

BYU is now reeling. The first thing Bronco did in his attempt to cleanse the team is fire all the black people. I love the explanation given by defensive coordinator Jaime Hill, when given the opportunity to either resign or be fired:

“I was fired.” said Hill.

I’m pretty sure BYU is Jesse Jackson’s white whale, so stay tuned for more on how this whole thing plays out. “Head Coach Jaime Hill” has a nice ring to it, right BYU?

Things weren’t much better in the stands for Cougar fans. The obnoxious hair and face paint guy actually left at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Obviously, he left the stadium yelling inappropriate and disrespectful things, but that doesn’t happen at BYU so I am not allowed to publish the words he was actually saying.


The guy behind me was having a tough time. He got so frustrated watching Diondre Borel make a fool out of Cougar defenders, he actually started shouting, “Hurt him! Kill him! Take his head off! Get him out of the game!” He then turned to his life partner and told her, “Their quarterback is destroying us! We need to get him out of the game!”

If you can’t beat ‘em, hurt ‘em til you can. Then beat ‘em. We’re BYU football! We are the best team in the country! Why does Boise State get all the attention? We’re BYU!


A close friend of mine who was born on the wrong side of the tracks and therefore cheers for BYU snidely said to me: “Why are they rushing the field? Is this their first win ever?”


Maybe it was the magic of the night, maybe I’m getting older…or maybe it was because my fellow instigator, Chris, was not in attendance. I don’t know the reason, but I didn’t respond to any of these guys. In games past I would have made some witty insult toward one of them, they would have become incredulous and we would have come to blows.

But victory has a euphoric effect. I sat and smiled. I said nothing. I just soaked it all in.

Then I yanked my shirt off and ran around screaming. Oh, Joy!

Friday, October 1, 2010

BYU vs Utah State

I will be attending the Utah State vs BYU football game tonight. It is part of a now 8 year tradition to take my wife to this game when it is played in Logan. At this game I have never NOT been in some sort of altercation.

Before you accuse me of being the problem, here's what happened two years ago:

Mormon Red (sense of entitlement): "Can you tell me where the BYU fan section is?"

Me (smiling): "Oh, yeah, you guys are way up there, right behind the band."

Mormon Red (scoffing): "Real nice. Thanks for nothing."

Me (confused): "I'm just kidding you, man. Relax."

Mormon Red (condescendingly): "At least at BYU we pay ushers to help people with this kind of thing."

Me (awesomely): "Seems like a waste of my tithing just because you're too stupid to read your ticket stub."

Mormon Red (Making the "Who Me?" face): "Nuh!"

And he scampered off. But the point is, I'm not the problem.

The name of my antagonist for this year may change, but the general attitude and doucheyness stays the same. And somehow they all sort of look like this guy.

You will be able to find a full report from the game right here. My bold prediction for 2010? For the first time since 1993, my Aggies take down the Cougars.

Final Score 34-24