Hey Rap Music, Who Shot Ya?

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Now, I have to make a confession. Mom and Dad, this is where you stop reading.

Ready?

Here it is: I went through a phase where I displayed an unhealthy love for gangsta rap. It started when I was about 15 and lasted…let’s see, I turn 30 next week, so…at least into my early 30’s.

This weekend, while mowing my lawn and listening to some of the best rap from the 1990’s (the pinnacle decade for rap music), I had an unsettling thought.

Guess who ended up the winner of all those rap battles? Guess who rose victorious from the East Coast/West Coast struggle? Guess who takes the title for destroying the most rappers?

No, not Biggie or Tupac, they dead. Not Easy-E or Big Pun neither.

Nope. The big winner?

Moms.

Hardcore gangstas and Niggaz Wit Attitudes have all become mommy’s little helpers. They are all so well behaved and cute.

Don’t believe me? Look at the evidence.

Ice Cube: NWA’s most talented lyricist and credited with writing almost the entire Straight Outta Compton album. He is the mastermind behind the controversial song “F@#* tha PO-lice.”

Now Cube makes his millions doing something a little less hood: Starring in children’s movies and producing a new family sitcom for TBS.

Ice T- Remember when Ice T released “Cop Killa”? He now plays detective Tutuola on the hit TV series Law and Order: SVU.

Snoop Doggy Dogg- Murder used to be the case that they gave him, but now he is known as a lovable mainstream family man who enjoys USC football and hanging out with his kids. Sure, he still smokes weed, but now he does it in a sort of endearing, “crazy Uncle Snoop” way. I guess a West Coast party does stop.*sniff*

Dr. Dre- Forget about Dre. The guy does Dr. Pepper commercials. I don’t care what you say, Dr. Pepper commercials are something more than a G thang, baby (Death Row-er sorry-Dr. Pepper is the label that pays me).

Coolio- Just kidding, Coolio. You were never a gangsta in the first place. Hang in there, buddy.

Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy/Diddy/Diddy Dirty Money- Movie star, producer, dancer, cover-up artist, band leader, flamboyantly fun loving. He looks like you could just walk up to him and squeeze him, right?

Jay-Z- Saddest one if you ask me. Sean Carter used to be HUNGRY and he could spit game as well as anyone since Biggie. But now you see him sitting front row in a tuxedo at the presidential inauguration.

That ain’t hood.

Now he raps about being rich and well dressed and going to sporting events. You know who else could do that? 10 million white dudes.

Jay-Z used to say “Can’t leave rap alone, the game needs me,” and I believed him. Now I just wish he’d leave rap alone.

Look, the list could go on. The point is, I used have to hide this stuff from my parents. I put my Tupac CD in a Harry Connick Jr. case. I hid Jay Z in an Ella Fitzgerald case. Snoop? He was in the Neil Diamond box.

Nowadays if I want to listen to some Neil Diamond I hide it in my iPod under “New Snoop Album.”

Thanks a lot, Mom. Thanks to your tireless efforts to domesticate my rap idols I’m now forced to put up with guys like T.I. and Lil’ Wayne.