Monday, April 26, 2010

Flying Under the Gaydar

I was on TV today. As I watched the interview with a coworker, I asked him if my face looked fat. He scoffed and told me to stop being gay.

Unfortunately, he’s right. I’m ashamed to say, it was pretty gay. As a whole, we men have become pretty gay with our loufas and moisturizers. It is time for men to reclaim manliness. It is time to put a beating on our feminine sides like we just came home to the trailer park, drunk and mad.

Here is my list of the ten gayest things ever:

10. Tanning- Nothing says “I want dudes to notice me” like lying naked in a puddle of your own sweat in a burnt-coconut smelling tanning salon. If you want to get a tan, take your shirt off and go replace broken roof shingles. Men don’t “tan-tattoo” silhouettes of dolphins on their hips.

9. Ordering a Salad- There is a reason the only way to actually order a salad is to say “I’ll just have a salad.” Next time, instead of saying anything just hand the waitress your genitals in a sandwich bag. She’ll know what you want.

8. Avatar- Frolicking through life with a song on your lips about someday having your chance to run free with the blue people is ok for hipsters, but not real men. Avatar was a good movie when it was first released as Dances with Wolves. I even liked it the second time when it was The Matrix. But now it’s just gay.

7. Tight Clothes- We get it. You exercise a lot. Neat. I guess the rest of us are a little too busy working real jobs for money and don’t have time to go to the gym 13 times a day. So you are really proud of your body and want to show it off? Oh, cool. Guess who else is like that? Chicks.

6. Writing a Novel on a Mac in a Coffee Shop- I always day dream about walking into a coffee shop and whispering to that guy, “I have terrible news. The Orca is back on the endangered list,” then teasing him as he cries uncontrollably.

5. Gay Porn- Pretty gay. But only barely in the top 5.

4. Dancing With the Stars/American Idol/The Biggest Loser- Look, if you really find yourself involved in the lives of these reality show losers, it might be time to take a step back, a deep breath and a good hard look at your life. A man should never utter the words, “Ochocinco’s footwork on the meringue was phenomenal!”

3. Phone Apps- Aren’t we all getting a little too gay with our phone apps? For every useful app there are literally three thousand apps designed to let you pretend you have a pet squirrel who tells you secrets and cuddles with you at night. Do we really need an app that identifies horse types just so you can look smart in front of your gay friends when you say, “What lovely coloring on the Palomino!”

2. Singing in Church- I’ve reached a point in my life where I just can’t make eye contact with a guy who sings in church. They get so emotional and they sway and close their eyes during important parts…it’s all very embarrassing for everyone involved.

1. Driving a Hybrid- Getting suckered into buying an overpriced wussmobile is in no way saving the environment. Sure, you might save a few dollars a month on gas, but the savings are lost in your switch from tampons to maxi pads. Grow a pair and buy a normal car.

Honorable mentions: Fauxhawks, Playing Guitar with your Shirt Off, Discussing Weight Gain/Loss, Coldplay, Wearing Sandals, and the Oregon Coast.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Whatever happened to..

The other day, Rocky Horror Picture Show was on TV. That's one of those movies you can't really every remember sitting down watching, but you know you've seen it somewhere. I tend to get freaked out by it, not because of the men in drag and other forms of homoeroticism, but mainly because Dr. Frank-n-Furter looks identical to a 1982 Corvette-driving Gypsy that tried to pick-pocket me one time. That, and the "Time Warp" gets stuck in my head for about 97 days straight.

Anyway, when I flipped past it on TV, Meatloaf was singing about "Whatever Happened to Saturday Night." I thought about it, not much has happened to Saturday Night that I can think of, but there are some other things I started wondering what happened to:

1. Ketchup: Do people not eat fries with ketchup anymore? Everytime I used to go to McDonald's I had all kinds of tiny ketchup packets in the bag. I hadn't really thought about it until the other day when I realized I haven't seen one of those ketchup packets for about 12 years. Are people really getting to the point where they just eat food so fast out of the drive-thru that restaurants started assuming even putting ketchup in the bag is a waste of time and money?

2. Hover Boards: Michael J. Fox rode one of these in Back to the Future 2. It was flying scooter that he stole from a little girl and ripped the handle bars off to turn it into a flying skateboard. I distinctly remember a Weekly Reader Magazine in first grade saying that the technology for Hover Boards was being fine-tuned, but they would be ready for mass production by 1992. Instead, we got Heely's...

3. Magic Johnson having Aids: Did he just get cured of Aids? Is that possible? When he was diagnosed, it was a big news story that rocked the world. Everyone - usually people with mustaches, it seems - was getting Aids and dying, but Magic Johnson just went about his business opening Starbuckses (how do you pluralize Starbucks?) in Harlem, analyzing games on TNT, and promoting a tax service. Just once I would like to hear Ernie Johnson say, "You're right Magic, that was a great game. By the way, I hate to be a dick, but didn't you used to have Aids? What happened with all that? Shouldn't the government be studying you as some kind of medical phenomenon? We thought 'Magic' stood for your great passing. Apparently it is in reference to your ability to ward off terminal illnesses. Let's bottle some of you up and cure this thing."

4. Dippin' Dots: They promised us this was the ice cream of the future. Well, here's the future and I'm still eating the cream form, getting all melty and runny. Thanks a lot for shattering my hopes and dreams, dots. I wish you weren't such a liar.

5. Swine Flu: I followed this developing disease like a hawk. It seemed like people were getting killed faster than virgins at an Aztec ceremony for about 3 months from it. Usually when we see Asians wearing surgical masks we assume it's because they're playing Ninja. But this time they actually had a legitimate purpose for it. I was seriously looking into buying non-hybrid seeds to barter with when America resembled Waterworld after everyone died from this disease. Then, all of a sudden everyone just started wearing pig noses at Halloween and joking that they were swine flu, and went back to watching American Idol. So much for that scare.

I guess some things have inexplicable, Rick-Astley-Never-Gonna-Give-You-Up longevity in this world while others disappear faster than Lisa Turtle post 1994.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Have it Your Way, Lebron

Sure, the NBA Playoffs started yesterday, but that won't stop us from writing our first annual, "NBA Playoff Predictions: 2 Days Late" Blog. If you don't have time to read the whole thing, here's the short and fancy: Lebron James may not be the actual "Creator God"...but he can definitely go toe to toe with any of the Greek, Norse or Roman gods.

Look, I figure in his lifetime Lebron will at least fight a Grizzley bear, destroy a Japanese city and win the war on terror. So it is not that hard for me to predict him to single-handedly root out and eliminate what is left of Kobe Bryant's soul on his way to the NBA Championship. But here's how I see the first round playing out:

Round 1

Laker/Thunder- I hate the Lakers, but they win this one in 5. Plenty has been said about how great Kevin Durant is and will be (except by Phil Jackson, who rode the coat tails of Jordan and Kobe, yet still inexplicably has the audacity to say something about the refs giving Durrant star treatment). What no one seems to know about Durant, however, is that he was one of the original Cosby kids, shown here:

Good to see some success stories from that motley crew.

Mavericks/Spurs- Mavericks in 6, but who cares? Anybody?

Suns/Blazers- Suns in 5. I would like to point out that five years ago my brother and I wrote a column declaring Brandon Roy the best pick in the draft by far. And we were right. Love watching that guy play.

Nuggets/Jazz- Poised once again for their annual April bed-wetting, the Jazz lose this one in 6. Here's a playoff prediction for you: Carlos Boozer will play soft and insignificant while Deron Williams will try to do too much. Also, Andrei Kirilenko will milk an injury to avoid playing, leaving him ample time to pursue other interests like emotional outbursts, musicals and feminine hygiene products.

Oh, and I predict Carmello Anthony spends a lot of time smiling that douchey "Barack Obama told me a secret" smile.

Cavs/Bulls- Cavs in 4. Who is more excited about what Lebron is about to do to the city of Chicago and their basketball program than Craig Ehlo? Come to think of it, Lebron might just be a cyborg Craig Ehlo created in order to decimate the Bulls and their citizens. James being part human/part robot built as a weapon of destruction explains a lot, actually.

Ok, I admit it. Yes, I have an unhealthy fascination with Lebron James.

Magic/Bobcats- MAgic in 5. The Bobcats do get points for Gerald Wallace, who joins Toronto's Chris Bosch as the only two members of the "Real people who look like Avatar people" club.

Celtics/Heat- Celtics in 7. Is it just me or did Kevin Garnett go from "everyone's favorite player not on their team" to "Joe Pesci's character from Goodfellas" when he moved from Minnesota to Boston? That guy is a lunatic. I would be less than surprised if one day during a game he randomly stabbed a guy.

Hawks/Bucks- Hawks in 5. The Hawks sort of intrigue me. I'm not entirely certain they're not all the same person, like Voltron or something.

So there's our thoughts on the first round. But let's face it, it's Lebron's league to do with as he pleases. Just ask millions of fleeing Japanese.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Marketing Geniuses - Hooah!

I'm sitting here watching TV getting madder and madder at the commercials. Usually, I watch watch shows recorded on my DVR, or I'm far enough behind that I can use the DVR to skip through commercials.

Tonight, though, I've fallen victim to the try-too-hard-and-miss-the-pointedness of modern advertising. Let me breakdown the commercials of this last break:

Geico Lizard: His boss is in the bathroom trying to convince him of a boring ringtone. Lizard doesn't like any of the ringtones, boss's phone rings and his ringtone is an old man rapping. Hillarity ensues. By the way, how many schticks does Geico have? Cavemen, Lizard, Twilight Zone Guy, Money with Eyeballs - all the things that make up the hallucinations of a doped up hobo.

Ford Commercials: You know the new ones that have some hip person saying something they love about the car(i.e. you don't have to carry keys because you can unlock the door with the keypad, so you can wear skinny jeans)? Name one guy in those commercials that doesn't pee sitting down. It's like the advertising department did all of their casting at the local Banana Republic in the Men's Petite Section.

Progressive: I'm about 2 more "Flo" commercials away from going on a murderous rampage while screaming "Flo" the entire time I'm firing my Tommy Gun into the crowd. That's how insane her voice, stupid hair, and "tricked-out name tag" makes me.

I've decided if I ever have a company that does national TV advertising, the first person I'm going to call is whoever handles marketing for the U.S. Army and/or National Guard. I will offer that person as much money as they want to do my commercials.

I'm not kidding. When I go to the movie theater and they play those 2-minute-long military advertisements/music videos about being a soldier, I am so fired up that if they had a sign up table outside the theater, I would run out there and join.

I tell my wife everytime we go to the movies that I'm joining the military - and I'm not kidding. At first she was like, "ummm...great idea. You have a family, genius, and I don't want you to die. You can't join the military." I've said it so much now that she's like, "OK, honey. Make sure to write us letters when you can. Good luck at boot camp. Pack some sunscreen for Afghanistan."

By the time the movie is over I've come to my senses and realize I shouldn't join. But it's the fact that their advertising makes me want to that shows how effective it is. Maybe they use some kind of hi-tech, top-secret military equipment that sends a specific shockwave to my brain that makes me want to do whatever they put on the screen.

Or maybe I'm just gullible. Whatever it is, it works.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

(Never) Let Your Conscience be Your Guide

I guess I’ve been a little harsh on hipsters. In fairness, it’s only because I hate everything about who they are and what they stand for. But perhaps I have been looking at hipsters all wrong. Maybe hipsters are simply an easily influenced product of a dark force that continues to destroy lives and shatter the dreams of children everywhere.

Perhaps hipsters are the by-product of the Disney war machine.

When you look at it that way, doesn’t a love for unicorns and skinny jeans seem more like a defense mechanism against a cruel world of unrealistic standards?

Disney has long taught (through animated characters) that being smart, strong willed, unique and socially outcast is more important than being devastatingly beautiful... long as you are devastatingly beautiful.

But what if you are only average looking?

Because the problem is, Disney also teaches us that people who are ugly on the outside are usually ugly on the inside and cannot be trusted. Tough news for a young, not-so-handsome-soon-to-be-hipster with a heart of gold, right?

So hug a hipster and tell them it’s ok.

Incidentally, here is a list my top ten childhood lessons learned from Disney:

It’s best to obsess about being something you’re not (The Little Mermaid)- Is it any wonder in today’s society that we make such a big deal of sexual orientation? Jeez, Ariel was willing to put her father’s life at risk and destroy her entire kingdom to pursue her attraction to an entirely different species ! Furthermore, she fell in love with the dude after seeing only a statue of him at the bottom of the ocean. Are there even names for the sexual fetishes going on here?

Ugliness is a punishment. If you behave, someday you might turn good looking (Beauty and the Beast) - Isn’t it a shame that ugly people with sensitive souls are always getting in the way of the beautiful people hooking up?

By the way, has a good looking guy ever had to “learn to love” an ugly chick? Ever?

Charismatic people should steal (Aladdin) - You know, Aladdin seemed like a pretty talented guy. He could sing and dance, he was an acrobat, he was quick witted and street smart…couldn’t he at least try to find a job? The message here is: Stealing is easier than earning your keep. Learn to steal stuff.

Privileged heirs should live frivolously and shirk responsibility. All will be forgiven as soon as they ask (The Lion King) - I mean, this one has proven factual countless times in real life. I’m looking at you, Paris Hilton.

Clumsy women are usually better at stuff than professionally trained men (Mulan)- Honestly, don’t we all trust hot Asian women to make better military decisions than lifelong soldiers? Our neglect of hot, misunderstood Asian chicks and their battle expertise might be the reason we are still in Iraq and Afghanistan. Who knows?

Man is the enemy (Tarzan) - I sincerely believe most anti-hunters picture hunting trips go something like this: Big, brutish men go wandering into the woods cursing nature and setting ablaze everything they see. At first opportunity, these scoundrels blindly fire their oversized bazookas at anything that moves, murdering some random monkey’s best friend or crippling a beaver’s wife and leaving her for dead. Satisfied with their kill, they smile evil grins with their enormous teeth and sell all the hides to fat British billionaires.

There are monsters in your closet, some bad, some good. But Monsters for sure (Monsters, Inc.)- This sort of explains the growing chemical imbalance problems people are having. You’d be bipolar too if you spent your nights knowing there are only two types of monsters, funny or murderous, and one of them is coming for you.

Wild Animals are our friends (Snow White) - Sure, they may look dangerous, some even vicious. Don’t worry about that. You should approach them. They won’t hurt you if you have a song on your lips.

Real jobs are for losers (The Incredibles) - So wait, Mr. Incredible has to take time away from being super-strong and indestructible to work a desk job to pay the bills? Poor guy, what an unfair and cruel world this is. Thanks a lot, Disney. How much longer will my daughter believe us when we tell her I am as strong as Mr. incredible and can beat Tai Long (from Kung Fu Panda) in a fight? I might as well be Santa Claus.

Wal-Mart and fat people have joined forces to destroy the Earth (Wall E) - Disney might be right about this one. Am I the only one who walks into Wal-Mart and instinctively starts beating my kids? One step past the greeter lady I get a glazed look in my eye and lumber toward my kids chanting “Kali Maaa, Kali Maaa!”

Also, what is with the self-serve cashier stations? Has Wal-Mart finally given up? They might as well put a sign up that says:

“Attention Customers with an IQ greater than 11: You know that time you stood in line watching a brainless cashier struggle through a simple transaction and thought, ‘I have no training whatsoever and could do this better than she can.’? Well, you are probably right. Here you go.”

Wow, kind of got a little off track there, but you get the point. Disney = Creation of insecure hipsters through intimidation, bully tactics and subliminal messaging.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Beginning of the End

Well, my Groundhog Day happened at about 10:15 last night. College basketball saw its shadow, and now there's only two more months of quality sports left.

Every year, at the end of the NCAA Tournament, as Luther Vandross (or in last night's jived up version, Jennifer Hudson) croons "One Shining Moment," I cry like a little girl. No, not because I relive the agony of defeat, the elation of winning, or the shattering of dreams of young collegiate athletes.

No, the reason I cry is because we just entered into the home stretch toward the doldrums of the sports world. From September til June, I have college football, NFL, college basketball, and the NBA to keep me company. There is hardly a Saturday or Sunday during those 9 months that I can't say, "Hey, do you want to come watch the game?"

Now, all that is about to end. You know how Sunday feels? You wake up knowing you have an entire day until you go back to work. Then you get home from church and know you still have a big meal to look forward to. After the meal, you still have the Amazing Race to watch. But after the Amazing Race, you are filled with that void of knowing there really isn't anything left of your weekend - just a couple hours until bed and then work in the morning.

That feeling you have after the Amazing Race on Sunday night is the same feeling I have after the college basketball championship. I know there's only a few NBA games left until the boring summer sports set in.

I mean, what am I gonna watch? The World Cup? I guess that could give me something to talk about with my neighbor, Graham, who loves the following things: 1. Geology 2. Thrift Store sweaters 3. Short cargo shorts 4. His beard 5. Hemp jewelry 6. Soccer.

I suppose I could try getting really into baseball. Don't get me wrong, I love the playoffs and the World Series, but trying to track the 9,786 games leading up to them is impossible. The only people I know that can actually do it are old men and autistic kids.

That is why I have a love/hate relationship with summer. I love the weather, the long days, and the barbecues. But what am I supposed to do in the evenings? Spend time with my family? Well...Ok...I guess they're alright for people who don't wear uniforms or keep score...

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Signs of the Times

Alright, that’s enough, small business owners. We didn’t want to tell you this, but the little messages on your trashy, letter board marquee signs have never been funny. They’ve never been ironic, witty or clever. For years, we put up with them because they seemed to make you happy. But enough is enough. Time to take them down.

Please? I’m serious, please?

I mean, those things are gayer than a man purse.

In fact, you know what? That’s not good enough. Let me paint a picture:

Lance Bass walks up to Ryan Seacrest and starts whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Suddenly, a jealous Ricky Martin prances up to the pair and initiates one of those fights where they lean their faces back to avoid getting hit and slap at each other’s hands. This three-way slap fight causes Clay Aiken, who has been crouched in the corner, to giggle uncontrollably. Suddenly, all four of them take their shirts off and ride four-manned into the sunset on a one man scooter.

Those signs are gayer than that.

So please, small business owners, take them down. Are they really serving the purpose you want? Are they driving revenue? Are they serving as some sort of cheap marketing tool?

I don’t buy it. I don’t think they bring the attention you want. I think they make you look silly and desperate.

Here’s a winner: “Two Antennas Got Married: The Reception Was Great.” Are people seeing this and flipping U-turns across three lanes of traffic to rush in and buy more tacos?

What about this little gem? “Take a Byte out of Computer Crime” As soon as the public sees this you can’t build storage units fast enough. Meanwhile, a sign about lemons being sold at the grocery store across the street causes a huge surge in used car sales?

Give me a break. And don’t get me started on the ones that not quite, but sort of rhyme. Look, black people are the only ones who can rhyme the words “bomb”, “salon” and “arm.” So just stop trying.

How about this? Any small business owner willing to take their sign down and burn it to ash will receive free advertising for life on this site. I know, seems like pretty useless advertising, right?

Guess what? Useless would be a step up.

Oh, and of course…