Monday, October 4, 2010

Rise and Shout the Cougars are Out of Scapegoats

Aggies 31

Cougars 16

Should I really write the rest of this blog, or just leave it at that?

I mean, we already know what happened in the game, right? We know that Jake Heaps peed his pants, twice. We know BYU over-celebrated every tiny thing they did well, like a run play that went for longer than four yards. We know BYU fans and players, in an attempt to represent the early Saints, came to a location as visitors and tried to claim it as their own, then became self-righteously shocked when they were met with hostility.

And most importantly, we know the score doesn’t represent the magnitude of the blowout.

BYU is now reeling. The first thing Bronco did in his attempt to cleanse the team is fire all the black people. I love the explanation given by defensive coordinator Jaime Hill, when given the opportunity to either resign or be fired:

“I was fired.” said Hill.

I’m pretty sure BYU is Jesse Jackson’s white whale, so stay tuned for more on how this whole thing plays out. “Head Coach Jaime Hill” has a nice ring to it, right BYU?

Things weren’t much better in the stands for Cougar fans. The obnoxious hair and face paint guy actually left at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Obviously, he left the stadium yelling inappropriate and disrespectful things, but that doesn’t happen at BYU so I am not allowed to publish the words he was actually saying.


The guy behind me was having a tough time. He got so frustrated watching Diondre Borel make a fool out of Cougar defenders, he actually started shouting, “Hurt him! Kill him! Take his head off! Get him out of the game!” He then turned to his life partner and told her, “Their quarterback is destroying us! We need to get him out of the game!”

If you can’t beat ‘em, hurt ‘em til you can. Then beat ‘em. We’re BYU football! We are the best team in the country! Why does Boise State get all the attention? We’re BYU!


A close friend of mine who was born on the wrong side of the tracks and therefore cheers for BYU snidely said to me: “Why are they rushing the field? Is this their first win ever?”


Maybe it was the magic of the night, maybe I’m getting older…or maybe it was because my fellow instigator, Chris, was not in attendance. I don’t know the reason, but I didn’t respond to any of these guys. In games past I would have made some witty insult toward one of them, they would have become incredulous and we would have come to blows.

But victory has a euphoric effect. I sat and smiled. I said nothing. I just soaked it all in.

Then I yanked my shirt off and ran around screaming. Oh, Joy!


  1. Doug, when did you get over being a closet BYU fan? I still remember you playing BYU in dynasty mode on NCAA 20XX and creating the players Doug as quarterback, Spencer as tight end, and Greg as a DB (defensive back, not douchebag). I'm glad you've seen the light.

  2. Really? Anonymous...somebody's lonely...

  3. Chris got into a heated conversation with a Swiss guy in the ticket line at the airport. After the guy said in English, "that's why everyone in the world hates you" (meaning Americans), Chris turned to him and said so calmly, "Then why are you speaking our language and we don't speak yours"?
    Wish we could have been at the game. Miss you!

  4. Doug I was actually about to say that you have grown up and matured by not responding with insults to people.

    Then I read you pulled your shirt off and ran around screaming.

    Theeeere it is.