Wednesday, May 26, 2010

What the...?!?

There are a lot of "firsts" I remember. My first car (Chrysler Lebaron that only started once out of every 5 tries), My first kiss (I missed her lips on the first two tries because I closed my eyes too early), and my first roller coaster ride (well, only part of it. I passed out right before the downhill portion of the Colossus and my dad had to hold my limp body in the car for the remainder of the ride.)

There are definitely some firsts in the world I wish I could've been around for. Mainly because I would want to see the reactions of everyone around, or to see what knuckleheads cooked them up.

1. Gatorade Bath - How did this tradition get started? It's a staple of big football games now, but who on earth thought drenching the coach with electrolytes would be a fitting celebration. It for sure had to be an offensive lineman. The guy that kind of stinks, is really vulgar and unpleasant to be around, but so big that no one can tell him off. I can just see him sitting on the sidelines as the clock winds down telling other guys on the bench, "I'm unna drench the coach wif dis gat-or-ade. Ha Ha." Everyone kind of thought, "Meh, that's not really funny. But I'm not going to say anything." Next thing the coach knows he's getting a Lemon-Lime shower in mid-January.

2. Neckties - Every Sunday I curse the guy who first came up with this. Actually - No - I blame the woman that came up with this. I imagine sometime during the 10th Century a guy had to go to some ball with his wife. All he wanted to do was wear some comftorable armor. But that wouldn't fly with wifey. Instead, she said "Honey, you know what looketh good? When they cutteth down Jethro from the Gallows and he still had that noose around his neck. That looketh classy." The rest is history. And now I'm stuck in church feeling like I'm choking. Not to mention I have yet to wear a tie I didn't spit toothpaste on.

3. Surgery - I know we regard the medical profession with great esteem, but there's no way anyone but drunk hillbillies came up with surgery. At some point the words, "I bet I could cutcha open and fix it" had to come up. Think about it; surgery involves all of a hillbilly's favorite things - knives, trying to open things up to find out how they work, and weird injuries. Throw in some firecrackers and Slim Jims and you got yourself a hillbilly dream come true.

4. Novels - Didn't writing start out as a way to keep track of family histories? Then it stands to reason that the first novel had to be written by the biggest liar in the village. I can just see someone stumbling upon the first novel:
Neighbor: Ummmm...hey James? I don't remember your family fighting any dragons.
James: Oh, uh, yeah. That was, uh, before we moved here.
Neighbor: Oh, ok. You sure are heroic in this history. I mean, magical
powers, getting the girl. There is rising action, a climax, falling action. This is quite a remarkable life.
James: Oh, uh, well, yes. It has been a pretty exciting life I've led. Uh, I just didn't, uh, tell anyone about this before.

5. Braces - How bad must've the person's teeth been that required the first set of braces. It's not like people didn't have mangly teeth back in the day, so a jacked up grill wouldn't have really stood out. But someone's teeth were so bad that the dentist actually thought a mouth full of sharp metal would be better for this person than the teeth they had. I can only imagine how the kids at school reacted to the first person in the world to have braces.

I guess it's best to not always know how things were first invented (how someone first decided to try milk...).


  1. Not to mention extreme sport firsts....

  2. Extracurricular uses for socks, shoes and other footwear?