Eat. Pray. Puke.

If one more person “finds themself” I’m going to lose it. Sudden moments of profound enlightenment are freaking gay. I’m tired of life being so poignant, with that one moment where it all comes together and the faint African drums start to get louder and the tribal singing ascends to that burst of understanding and emotion. I’m sick of everyone going to Africa, India and China for answers. Those countries don’t have the answers, they just have less technology.

Facebooking everybody about your spiritual journey is not the best first step. Tweeting your every move makes you uninteresting. Blogging your innermost thoughts and rants is basically telling the world, “Hey! Look at me! I need you to validate my existence!”

Do you want enlightenment?

The next time you look in the mirror and see a unique and special butterfly just emerging from her cocoon, remember this: It’s all been done.

They have stores dedicated to your one-of-a-kind look. Your “personal statement of style” is mass produced by skinny Chinese kids clinging to life for one more week. You want to go to China to find yourself? Pick up some outfits on discount while you’re there.

Oh, you’re in a band? You play underground music that the mainstream just isn’t ready for? Wow, that is super legit. Guess who else does that? 3 billion other nerds.

Your philosophies on the meaning of life are not yours; you stole them and are now trying to pass them off as unique. Nietzsche, Voltaire, Hobbes, Jesus, Plato, Socrates, Confucius and the rest all said it better than you ever will. Please stop trying to play it off as an original thought.

Speaking of Confucius, would liberals, hippies and hipsters please stop claiming him? The guy ran a school whose foundation was the teaching that government should be run only by men of high moral standing. None of this “his personal life doesn’t matter” bull crap.

To be fair to the left, though, the right needs to back off their assurance that Jesus would be on their side. I mean, I know saying stuff about selling all you have and giving it to the poor is pretty vague…but it seems he was less concerned about personal wealth. You never know. My gut tells me that if someone were to ask Jesus what side he takes when it comes to politics, he would probably respond with something silly like, “My Father’s side.”

Quit trying to find yourself. You aren’t even looking in the right place. Conforming to the standards of any group, whether it is conformist society or non-conformist group, is still conformity. People conform for one reason: security. To make them feel there are other weirdoes just like them out there. It doesn’t help them find themselves; it helps them lose themselves to the comfort of community. It helps fight off the loneliness.