Saturday, August 14, 2010
Fantasy Football Drama
With the upcoming Fantasy Football season (as well as the NFL season, I forget sometimes they are linked), I was forced to send the following email to my long time Fantasy league (I basically just copied a letter I sent to a former girlfriend and replaced some of the words):
Dear League Owners,
I wish you’d understand. I’m just an ordinary man. And I know one day you’ll see, nobody has it easy. I still can’t believe you found somebody new. But I wish you the best…I guess.
I will be joining Jimmy in the ranks of retired league owners. Until Jimmy did it last week, I didn’t realize retiring from fantasy football was something you could do. Let me state it clearly: I have decided to take my talents to South Beach.
I know what you are thinking: Much like Magic Johnson, Doug is being forced to retire early from the game he loves so much. That is true, but unlike Magic, my retirement is not the result of a brief (but deadly) venture into homosexuality.
Please consider this email my official retirement. John Stockton style, not Brett Favre style.
I just have lost track of who to cheer for every time I watch a game, and I don’t have the skill set to keep track of the waiver wire or to even really know what the waiver wire is, exactly.
Typically my season goes like this: I don’t do any research before the draft other than buy a fantasy magazine on my way to the draft. Then, in an effort to be crafty, I end up drafting crappy players with hopes they will all have surprising seasons. They never do so by game 3 I lose interest and whoever plays me gets an automatic victory because I forget to make lineup adjustments due to bye weeks.
That’s just not fair to you guys. You deserve more. You deserve a better man in your life. We are growing apart. We never talk anymore, like we did in the old days. We used to have such fun, now I feel like we’re just letting the world go on below us and we are lost in time.
It’s my fault. I was mistaken. I thought my passion for Aggie sports would translate to passion for Aggie Fantasy Football. It didn’t work, and now I’m left sitting here with nothing but memories of broken dreams and empty promises.
I’ve loved my time with this league, but I’m just not cut out for it. I’d rather spend my time waiting for another episode of the Woodshed Podcast or reading blogs about politics or swimming with Derek or overhearing one side of a phone conversation about a big business deal. Those are the memories I will cherish. The essence of you.
But those memories are my past. This is my future. I need to spread my wings. You are suffocating me. I want to be with other fantasy football people and I just feel like a traitor when I’m with them. It’s not betrayal. We never agreed on anything!
Look, let’s not pretend this was something it’s not. We were just having a good time, hooking up, whatever. But now you want me to make a commitment and I just don’t feel ready. It’s not that I don’t like you, I do, but I don’t see myself with one person forever. I’m not you; I could never be like you! I don’t want your life! My dreams are in the stars, I won’t settle for the moon.
I’m sorry. Please, don’t cry. You won’t be able to guilt me out of this decision. I feel free. I feel liberated for the first time in a long time. I know you’ll find someone new. I hope we can still be friends. I hope Mandate still happens without any awkwardness because of this. We have a lot of the same friends; it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to leave that group.
Don’t you dare look at me like that! Stop accusing me! You don’t like my actions? You don’t know where I learned all this? You want the truth? I learned it from watching you, okay? I learned it from watching you.
I didn’t want this to turn into a fight, so I am just going to say goodbye. I will always think back on our time together with a smile dancing across my lips.
Hey, we’ll always have vampires in the Denver Village Inn and topless parking lot football. Never forget me, I won’t forget you. In my dreams, you still love me and we stay together. But it’s time to wake up now. It is time to wake up.
I will always think of you guys and our time together with fondness.
With a Love that will echo across the universe,
Owner, Derek’s Bum Fetish
PS- Fall is coming and bringing with it the return of real sports, we at TBR will be posting much more frequently.