Monday, September 20, 2010

"Hey look at me, I'm wicked hahd core."

If I’ve learned one thing from Hollywood it is this: The city of Boston is way better than whatever second tier crap-town you’re from. That is why I felt obligated to see Ben Affleck’s The Town tonight. Let’s see if I can take you on a virtual trip back through my evening. I’ll try to write this blog the way the movie plays out, all disheveled and abrupt and riddled with plot holes. Enjoy!

First of all, I know prices at the movie theater are an old cliché but something still needs to be said. The 16-year old snack salesman pressured me to upgrade to a Medium Combo (medium popcorn, medium drink only $13.75), when I finally agreed, he then informed me that by purchasing the combo, I also qualify for a discount on candy. That’s right; one of those movie theater-cheat boxes of M&M’s was only $2.75. I didn’t have to pay the regular $3.25 for 26 total M&M’s like the rest of you common trash.

Popcorn, soda and candy in hand, I side shuffled my way past all the other fat losers alone at the theater and found my seat.

*Spoiler Alert* I don’t want to ruin anything for the rest of you, but tonight they showed a preview for a groundbreaking new movie that I don’t think I’ll be able to wait for.

From what I gathered from the preview, apparently there is this strong willed, independent woman who rarely dates because she is focused on her career. She gets matched up somehow with a perpetual screw-up of a guy who never gets anything right. I know what you’re thinking and you are wrong. You can’t be fooled by his devastating good looks, perfect hair, eight-pack abs and leading man charm. She hates him and doesn’t want anything to do with him.

And don’t kid yourselves guys, she might be a bombshell dripping with raw sexuality, but we’ll never know because she wears glasses. So of course he hates her as well.

But, based off the preview, apparently they end up forced to spend time together in a really wacky twist of fate, and hilarity ensues. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I really think they might end up together…(fingers crossed)!!!

Anyway, keep your eyes peeled. It’s called Sleepless in Seattle 1,003 or Hollywood Love Story or We’ve Given Up…or something.

Back to Ben Affleck and The Town.

Ben Affleck directs the movie, so naturally he is in literally every scene. It must have been exhausting for him. In fact, you can tell he was worn out because in a lot of scenes he just sort of gave up on acting. I can’t be sure but I think there was a scene where right in the middle of a heartfelt and gritty soliloquy, Affleck forgot his lines so he just trailed off and muttered “Southie…yeah dis guy…I’m outta da game…curse wehds…whateva…Bahsten.”

Fortunatley for the audience, Madmen star Jon Hamm is also in the movie and he delivers an inspired performance, making the movie fairly entertaining.

If you’ve seen the trailer and have an IQ above 7, you probably have guessed the entire plot of the movie. Ben Affleck plays a “hahdenned” criminal with a “hwaght a gold.” He wants out of his life of crime and he finds a socially responsible do-gooder chick to help him see the light. She does community service and drives a Prius, so be ready for her self-righteousness.

Jon Hamm is an FBI agent and he is after him. Credit here to Affleck’s directing, they don’t spend a lot of time trying to convince us of Jon Hamm’s humanity and multi-layered cop-greed. Hamm is just a good guy who wants to take down bad guys. It is actually very refreshing. Even though you are supposed to cheer against Hamm and hope Affleck makes it out, you can’t help rooting for Hamm. It’s like he deserves it for saving the movie.

Anyway, the movie ends about a half hour after it should, but don’t worry if you doze off, there is absolutely no twist. However, Boston is a really tough town. People there would be better than you and me if they could just get out. Boston holds them down, though.

Oh, and Ben Affleck’s character was a big time hockey player and got drafted but he was too much of a “hahdenned townie” so he got kicked out, so there’s some Mighty Ducks thrown into the mix for fun.

The End. Now you know how I felt after watching it.

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