Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Radio Kill the Video Star, Please

Please, someone just give her the beer before she sings.

Music is not dead. But it is dying. Don’t believe me? Google “Billboard Top 100” and tell me how many “hits” you’ll find that are sure to stand the test of time.

Because I care about music and want it to still exist in a few years, the current direction of the industry alarms me. I want to warn as many of you as I can so we can prepare to fight this growing epidemic together, that one day we might find the cure.

Here is my list of 5 things that are ruining music followed by 5 things that are great about music today.

5 Things Ruining Music

American Idol- I think the concept of American Idol is brilliant. In theory, it guarantees the production of an instant superstar who will spend years at the top of the charts. Yet the show has only produced 3 real stars over the course of 9 seasons (Kelly Clarkson, Daughtery, Carrie Underwood).


Simon’s go-to insult has always been “That sounded like bad karaoke.” The problem is he is judging a karaoke contest! These are just choir kids singing cover versions of old Elton John songs. The show should be made up of all original material and America should vote for the best artist, not the best singer (the catch there is no one would watch).

So now we have a bunch of really good singers getting record deals instead of really good musicians. The fact is, if any of these singers were good enough to make it on their own they probably would have. But they didn’t…

Also, the method of voting is flawed. The only people I imagine texting a vote to a reality show are 14 year-old girls. The problem with letting 14 year-old girls shape the music industry is that by the time the season is over and the winner finally produces an album, there is a new batch of 14 year olds and they only care about the singers on the current American Idol season.

Justin Beiber- Are we so sadistic as a society that we keep allowing this to happen? If you are reading this, I have to believe there is no doubt in your mind that Justin Beiber is 22 years away from a VH1 reality show about his fight with substance addiction and the lives he has destroyed, including his own, ever since his fame died off around age 21. It is sickening, and we watch with morbid glee. We are worse than the ancient Romans.

Kesha- There is a site called www.mydrunktexts.com that features text messages supposedly sent from intoxicated individuals. Most of them are reflective of the girl with low self esteem who likes the idea of being drunk and always acts more drunk than she is. The texts are all about excessive consumption followed by bad sexual decisions, with everything being laughed off and applauded. STD’s are a badge of honor.

Kesha is the talentless personification of the website. There is no chance of her being relevant in 2012 and her living past 30 is a long shot.

Politics- Musicians are getting worse than actors. Just shut your damn mouths. You are only invited because you provide the entertainment. Only fools want to hear the political views of a drugged out high school dropout who just happens to be richer than 99% of the country. I feel bad for either political party when celebrities take their side, because it forces the members of that party to sheepishly admit they vote the same way as these idiots.

Fergie- The Black Eyed Peas have it all figured out. They looked around the industry and saw that it wasn’t enough to simply put together a bunch of catchy beats and some repetitive lyrics. So they found one of those ugly faced but hot bodied white girls who will do anything to be accepted by black guys. They told her to dress slutty and dance around like a stripper while singing about the world of prostitution. Genius.

So now we all go about listening to their music and saying how good the Black Eyed Peas are and no one will say anything about how awful and untalented Fergie is for fear of it sounding racist or something. Look, she is just terrible. For those of you shaking your head thinking, “You’re wrong, Fergie has a great voice,” go watch American Idol and tell me how hard it would be to find a girl with a better voice. Just accept it: Fergie’s skanky whiteness is the only thing keeping her in the music industry.

Preview for Tomorrow: 5 Things Giving Hope to the Music Industry

The Economy


Kanye West

Marcus Eaton

The Script

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