Friday, September 10, 2010

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones

I love words. Carefully constructed phrases call to me like great works of art speak to cultured folk or the way Star Trek appeals to losers. In my opinion, the best writers are those who can say in one paragraph the same thing that takes me five paragraphs, like Ernest Hemingway, Chuck Palahniuk or Stephanie Meyer.

Words paint pictures, conjure up memories, express, inspire and hurt. Words evolve, their original meaning taking on a new meaning as cultures change.

Unfortunately, thanks to some very selfish people in powerful places, some words evolve to take on a meaning that renders them completely unusable by a good Christian boy like me.

These are the top 4 words I wish I could still use:

Radical- This word was once used for someone who performed an amazing trick or stunt, preferably on a BMX. Now it is synonymous with some sort of terrorist, as in “Radical Islamists bombed a school bus full of children,” or “These radical right wing nuts sure do love Sarah Palin.”

Gay- Currently, this term is used to reference a person who enjoys sexual shenanigans with a member of their own sex. This word has been hijacked, as the true definition is somewhere closer to a really intense version of “lame.” But saying lame is too freaking gay, so it puts you in a conundrum.

So now when your buddy tells you he went rollerblading by himself at O.K. Ward Park, you can no longer say, “That is the gayest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Instead you have to say something awkward like, “You telling me this makes me feel ashamed to have you as a friend.”

Retard- I don’t know how mentally challenged people got roped into taking away this word, but the word itself has nothing to do with showing offense toward the disabled (which, by the way, is much more offensive! Dis-Abled, are you kidding me?)

Anyway, the correct use of this word should sound something like “Nice blinker retard.”

Nigga- This is a tricky one, because it is technically derived from an offensive term used to insult black people. But now it has evolved into a way to express friendship and camaraderie, almost like saying “amigo.” The only problem is, this term is reserved solely for black people, their white girlfriends and engineering students from India.

Since I don’t fit in to any of those categories, I will never be allowed to utter the phrase, “Heck yes I love Ping Pong, nigga!”

Call me sentimental, I just wish we could go back to a simpler time when people were free to use the words that best suited the occasion.

Oh, and since it has been a while, here is a picture of Jessica Biel

No comments:

Post a Comment