Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Mormon Red: The Mystery Color

With March Madness at hand, there isn't a more perfect time to acknowledge Mormon Reds, as one of the most prominent of them - Britton Johnsen - played in the 1998 National Championship.

First, let me tell you about Mormon Red. It's a hair color that I can't really explain. It's a mix between strawberry blonde, regular blonde, and brown. If you were to roll up food storage, self-righteousness, and Charlie Hustle into a color, it would turn out Mormon Red.

Usually people with this hair color (referred to by my Brother and I as Mormon Reds) smell like homemade bread.

Just like regular red-heads have a reputation for being fiery and sassy, Mormon Reds have a reputation for being that guy that calls 3-seconds in the key during church basketball games, wears Dockers and button-up shirts even on weekends, and is typically a member of the ward choir.

Oh, and they usually just need a minute of your time (and an up-front investment of $350) to explain how you'll have residual income rolling in if you can just sign up three friends.

Mormon Reds are lifetime scouters. Every scout leader I have ever met is a Mormon Red, which leads me to the conclusion that Mormon Reds are craftier and more resourceful than most. If I ever need help moving, the first people I call are the Mormon Reds I know, not only because they'll work hard, but because they'll know how to pack up the truck the best.

Mormon Reds almost always have pocketknives.

Here's to you, Mormon Reds, for always being there with a compass, a somber look, and 110 percent of hustle when we need them most.


  1. You forgot the part where Britton "Mormon Red" Johnson slaps your friend in the face after a college game.

  2. Doug, this column is very "renob"