Thursday, April 1, 2010

Signs of the Times

Alright, that’s enough, small business owners. We didn’t want to tell you this, but the little messages on your trashy, letter board marquee signs have never been funny. They’ve never been ironic, witty or clever. For years, we put up with them because they seemed to make you happy. But enough is enough. Time to take them down.

Please? I’m serious, please?

I mean, those things are gayer than a man purse.

In fact, you know what? That’s not good enough. Let me paint a picture:

Lance Bass walks up to Ryan Seacrest and starts whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Suddenly, a jealous Ricky Martin prances up to the pair and initiates one of those fights where they lean their faces back to avoid getting hit and slap at each other’s hands. This three-way slap fight causes Clay Aiken, who has been crouched in the corner, to giggle uncontrollably. Suddenly, all four of them take their shirts off and ride four-manned into the sunset on a one man scooter.

Those signs are gayer than that.

So please, small business owners, take them down. Are they really serving the purpose you want? Are they driving revenue? Are they serving as some sort of cheap marketing tool?

I don’t buy it. I don’t think they bring the attention you want. I think they make you look silly and desperate.

Here’s a winner: “Two Antennas Got Married: The Reception Was Great.” Are people seeing this and flipping U-turns across three lanes of traffic to rush in and buy more tacos?

What about this little gem? “Take a Byte out of Computer Crime” As soon as the public sees this you can’t build storage units fast enough. Meanwhile, a sign about lemons being sold at the grocery store across the street causes a huge surge in used car sales?

Give me a break. And don’t get me started on the ones that not quite, but sort of rhyme. Look, black people are the only ones who can rhyme the words “bomb”, “salon” and “arm.” So just stop trying.

How about this? Any small business owner willing to take their sign down and burn it to ash will receive free advertising for life on this site. I know, seems like pretty useless advertising, right?

Guess what? Useless would be a step up.

Oh, and of course…

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