Monday, April 26, 2010

Flying Under the Gaydar

I was on TV today. As I watched the interview with a coworker, I asked him if my face looked fat. He scoffed and told me to stop being gay.

Unfortunately, he’s right. I’m ashamed to say, it was pretty gay. As a whole, we men have become pretty gay with our loufas and moisturizers. It is time for men to reclaim manliness. It is time to put a beating on our feminine sides like we just came home to the trailer park, drunk and mad.

Here is my list of the ten gayest things ever:

10. Tanning- Nothing says “I want dudes to notice me” like lying naked in a puddle of your own sweat in a burnt-coconut smelling tanning salon. If you want to get a tan, take your shirt off and go replace broken roof shingles. Men don’t “tan-tattoo” silhouettes of dolphins on their hips.

9. Ordering a Salad- There is a reason the only way to actually order a salad is to say “I’ll just have a salad.” Next time, instead of saying anything just hand the waitress your genitals in a sandwich bag. She’ll know what you want.

8. Avatar- Frolicking through life with a song on your lips about someday having your chance to run free with the blue people is ok for hipsters, but not real men. Avatar was a good movie when it was first released as Dances with Wolves. I even liked it the second time when it was The Matrix. But now it’s just gay.

7. Tight Clothes- We get it. You exercise a lot. Neat. I guess the rest of us are a little too busy working real jobs for money and don’t have time to go to the gym 13 times a day. So you are really proud of your body and want to show it off? Oh, cool. Guess who else is like that? Chicks.

6. Writing a Novel on a Mac in a Coffee Shop- I always day dream about walking into a coffee shop and whispering to that guy, “I have terrible news. The Orca is back on the endangered list,” then teasing him as he cries uncontrollably.

5. Gay Porn- Pretty gay. But only barely in the top 5.

4. Dancing With the Stars/American Idol/The Biggest Loser- Look, if you really find yourself involved in the lives of these reality show losers, it might be time to take a step back, a deep breath and a good hard look at your life. A man should never utter the words, “Ochocinco’s footwork on the meringue was phenomenal!”

3. Phone Apps- Aren’t we all getting a little too gay with our phone apps? For every useful app there are literally three thousand apps designed to let you pretend you have a pet squirrel who tells you secrets and cuddles with you at night. Do we really need an app that identifies horse types just so you can look smart in front of your gay friends when you say, “What lovely coloring on the Palomino!”

2. Singing in Church- I’ve reached a point in my life where I just can’t make eye contact with a guy who sings in church. They get so emotional and they sway and close their eyes during important parts…it’s all very embarrassing for everyone involved.

1. Driving a Hybrid- Getting suckered into buying an overpriced wussmobile is in no way saving the environment. Sure, you might save a few dollars a month on gas, but the savings are lost in your switch from tampons to maxi pads. Grow a pair and buy a normal car.

Honorable mentions: Fauxhawks, Playing Guitar with your Shirt Off, Discussing Weight Gain/Loss, Coldplay, Wearing Sandals, and the Oregon Coast.


  1. I think you are confusing "gay" with "Pocatello." Sure, some of the items listed have gay elements, but I think your problem with everything on the list has more to do with Pocatello than homosexuality.

    Take number 3, for example. Sure, there are plenty of lame apps. However, you can't efficiently use an iPhone in the Gate City, and the iPhone is the king of apps. You wouldn't know an app from a ice cream sandwich.

    What about number 1? Driving a Hybrid is gay? Based on the number of enormous trucks in Bannock County driving a hybrid is certainly dangerous. I've been to a monster truck show (in Blackfoot, I think). I know what the result of any altercation between the average redneck and a hybrid would be. So driving a hybrid may be foolish, a bad economic decision, a political statement, but not necessarily gay. See

    And how about number 2? Wouldn't singing in church would be better listed under your "Mormon Red" post?

    Finally, writing a novel on a Mac in a coffee shop is gay? Is it the combination of the mac, the location, and writing? I think it may just be the image of someone writing that throws you. The average Pocatellian still counts on his fingers, sounds out words like a monster on Sesame Street, and views a laptop as a portable DVD player. Writing isn't gay, it's just not common where you l live.

  2. ^^^ continued from the writer above...

    "Now quit making fun of phone apps and writing in a coffee shop!"

    *Closes Mac, sips the last of his Mocha, and heads into town for 2:00 tanning appointment so he looks good for his lunch salad date with Bruce*

  3. I love it! Thanks for reading, fellas! (Much better than "No, You're Gay!")

    Also, blogging is pretty gay.

  4. Just read your whole blog...hilarious, true words!!! I enjoyed it!

  5. Look, just because I don't drive my Bronco two whole miles to work every day doesn't mean that me wanting a hybrid is 'gay'.