Thursday, April 8, 2010

(Never) Let Your Conscience be Your Guide

I guess I’ve been a little harsh on hipsters. In fairness, it’s only because I hate everything about who they are and what they stand for. But perhaps I have been looking at hipsters all wrong. Maybe hipsters are simply an easily influenced product of a dark force that continues to destroy lives and shatter the dreams of children everywhere.

Perhaps hipsters are the by-product of the Disney war machine.

When you look at it that way, doesn’t a love for unicorns and skinny jeans seem more like a defense mechanism against a cruel world of unrealistic standards?

Disney has long taught (through animated characters) that being smart, strong willed, unique and socially outcast is more important than being devastatingly beautiful... long as you are devastatingly beautiful.

But what if you are only average looking?

Because the problem is, Disney also teaches us that people who are ugly on the outside are usually ugly on the inside and cannot be trusted. Tough news for a young, not-so-handsome-soon-to-be-hipster with a heart of gold, right?

So hug a hipster and tell them it’s ok.

Incidentally, here is a list my top ten childhood lessons learned from Disney:

It’s best to obsess about being something you’re not (The Little Mermaid)- Is it any wonder in today’s society that we make such a big deal of sexual orientation? Jeez, Ariel was willing to put her father’s life at risk and destroy her entire kingdom to pursue her attraction to an entirely different species ! Furthermore, she fell in love with the dude after seeing only a statue of him at the bottom of the ocean. Are there even names for the sexual fetishes going on here?

Ugliness is a punishment. If you behave, someday you might turn good looking (Beauty and the Beast) - Isn’t it a shame that ugly people with sensitive souls are always getting in the way of the beautiful people hooking up?

By the way, has a good looking guy ever had to “learn to love” an ugly chick? Ever?

Charismatic people should steal (Aladdin) - You know, Aladdin seemed like a pretty talented guy. He could sing and dance, he was an acrobat, he was quick witted and street smart…couldn’t he at least try to find a job? The message here is: Stealing is easier than earning your keep. Learn to steal stuff.

Privileged heirs should live frivolously and shirk responsibility. All will be forgiven as soon as they ask (The Lion King) - I mean, this one has proven factual countless times in real life. I’m looking at you, Paris Hilton.

Clumsy women are usually better at stuff than professionally trained men (Mulan)- Honestly, don’t we all trust hot Asian women to make better military decisions than lifelong soldiers? Our neglect of hot, misunderstood Asian chicks and their battle expertise might be the reason we are still in Iraq and Afghanistan. Who knows?

Man is the enemy (Tarzan) - I sincerely believe most anti-hunters picture hunting trips go something like this: Big, brutish men go wandering into the woods cursing nature and setting ablaze everything they see. At first opportunity, these scoundrels blindly fire their oversized bazookas at anything that moves, murdering some random monkey’s best friend or crippling a beaver’s wife and leaving her for dead. Satisfied with their kill, they smile evil grins with their enormous teeth and sell all the hides to fat British billionaires.

There are monsters in your closet, some bad, some good. But Monsters for sure (Monsters, Inc.)- This sort of explains the growing chemical imbalance problems people are having. You’d be bipolar too if you spent your nights knowing there are only two types of monsters, funny or murderous, and one of them is coming for you.

Wild Animals are our friends (Snow White) - Sure, they may look dangerous, some even vicious. Don’t worry about that. You should approach them. They won’t hurt you if you have a song on your lips.

Real jobs are for losers (The Incredibles) - So wait, Mr. Incredible has to take time away from being super-strong and indestructible to work a desk job to pay the bills? Poor guy, what an unfair and cruel world this is. Thanks a lot, Disney. How much longer will my daughter believe us when we tell her I am as strong as Mr. incredible and can beat Tai Long (from Kung Fu Panda) in a fight? I might as well be Santa Claus.

Wal-Mart and fat people have joined forces to destroy the Earth (Wall E) - Disney might be right about this one. Am I the only one who walks into Wal-Mart and instinctively starts beating my kids? One step past the greeter lady I get a glazed look in my eye and lumber toward my kids chanting “Kali Maaa, Kali Maaa!”

Also, what is with the self-serve cashier stations? Has Wal-Mart finally given up? They might as well put a sign up that says:

“Attention Customers with an IQ greater than 11: You know that time you stood in line watching a brainless cashier struggle through a simple transaction and thought, ‘I have no training whatsoever and could do this better than she can.’? Well, you are probably right. Here you go.”

Wow, kind of got a little off track there, but you get the point. Disney = Creation of insecure hipsters through intimidation, bully tactics and subliminal messaging.


  1. This is pretty great! How about Aristocats and it's OK to be a drunk as long as your funny. In fact people will like you better if you are a drunk.

  2. Disney also haunts young ones with the wondering thought, "which of my parents will die tragically, and WHEN"?!

  3. thats true about the parents. there are only two disney movies that the parents are around and together for the entire thing ... peter pan and 101 dalmations.

  4. My son's favorite movies were Nemo and Land before Time. For sure he thinks one of us is going to die (I hope for his sake it is not his Mom). Not true about only two Disney movies with both parents though. Here is a list of some more off the top of my head:
    Lady and the Tramp, Sleeping Beauty, Hercules, Incredibles.