Sunday, April 18, 2010
Have it Your Way, Lebron
Sure, the NBA Playoffs started yesterday, but that won't stop us from writing our first annual, "NBA Playoff Predictions: 2 Days Late" Blog. If you don't have time to read the whole thing, here's the short and fancy: Lebron James may not be the actual "Creator God"...but he can definitely go toe to toe with any of the Greek, Norse or Roman gods.
Look, I figure in his lifetime Lebron will at least fight a Grizzley bear, destroy a Japanese city and win the war on terror. So it is not that hard for me to predict him to single-handedly root out and eliminate what is left of Kobe Bryant's soul on his way to the NBA Championship. But here's how I see the first round playing out:
Laker/Thunder- I hate the Lakers, but they win this one in 5. Plenty has been said about how great Kevin Durant is and will be (except by Phil Jackson, who rode the coat tails of Jordan and Kobe, yet still inexplicably has the audacity to say something about the refs giving Durrant star treatment). What no one seems to know about Durant, however, is that he was one of the original Cosby kids, shown here:
Good to see some success stories from that motley crew.
Mavericks/Spurs- Mavericks in 6, but who cares? Anybody?
Suns/Blazers- Suns in 5. I would like to point out that five years ago my brother and I wrote a column declaring Brandon Roy the best pick in the draft by far. And we were right. Love watching that guy play.
Nuggets/Jazz- Poised once again for their annual April bed-wetting, the Jazz lose this one in 6. Here's a playoff prediction for you: Carlos Boozer will play soft and insignificant while Deron Williams will try to do too much. Also, Andrei Kirilenko will milk an injury to avoid playing, leaving him ample time to pursue other interests like emotional outbursts, musicals and feminine hygiene products.
Oh, and I predict Carmello Anthony spends a lot of time smiling that douchey "Barack Obama told me a secret" smile.
Cavs/Bulls- Cavs in 4. Who is more excited about what Lebron is about to do to the city of Chicago and their basketball program than Craig Ehlo? Come to think of it, Lebron might just be a cyborg Craig Ehlo created in order to decimate the Bulls and their citizens. James being part human/part robot built as a weapon of destruction explains a lot, actually.
Ok, I admit it. Yes, I have an unhealthy fascination with Lebron James.
Magic/Bobcats- MAgic in 5. The Bobcats do get points for Gerald Wallace, who joins Toronto's Chris Bosch as the only two members of the "Real people who look like Avatar people" club.
Celtics/Heat- Celtics in 7. Is it just me or did Kevin Garnett go from "everyone's favorite player not on their team" to "Joe Pesci's character from Goodfellas" when he moved from Minnesota to Boston? That guy is a lunatic. I would be less than surprised if one day during a game he randomly stabbed a guy.
Hawks/Bucks- Hawks in 5. The Hawks sort of intrigue me. I'm not entirely certain they're not all the same person, like Voltron or something.
So there's our thoughts on the first round. But let's face it, it's Lebron's league to do with as he pleases. Just ask millions of fleeing Japanese.