Thursday, May 13, 2010

Bow to Your Sensei!

Steve Jobs has got to be some sort of sorcerer. Maybe not a sorcerer…but at least a hypnotist. How else can you explain the wool he has pulled over the eyes of millions of Mac Freaks around the globe?

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Apple Computers. I shot my first buffalo on a Mac (even though I could only carry 100lbs of meat back to the wagon).

I got my first case of Typhoid on a Macintosh. Apple taught me how to caulk the wagon and float it across the river. I wouldn’t be nearly as good at negotiating with Indians if it wasn’t for Apple.

But now, Steve Jobs has duped the masses into believing his company stands for something nobler than the bottom line.

Now, saying “I’m a Mac” is much like proclaiming some sort of spiritual enlightenment, while owners of a PC might as well confess to being toothless and illiterate.

Now, placing a lower case “i” in front of anything makes it infinitely better. My wife and I get excited every month when we sit down to pay our iBills. My kids can hardly stand the wait in anticipation of doing their weekly iChores. In fact, simply calling this site “iTwoBrotherRant” would immediately quadruple our hit count.

By unleashing a carefully planned marketing strategy aimed at the hip liberal crowd, Apple convinces us they are the choice for the green, intellectual anti-capitalist. We somehow forget they are a multi-billion dollar, multi-national juggernaut modeling entrepreneurial perfection.

Steve Jobs’ Buddhist belief, his oneness with the Universe, is well known. His net worth of 5.5 BILLION DOLLARS is conveniently swept under the rug.

Dancing silhouettes with cool white earbuds can’t hide Apple’s $260 per share stock price, ahem, with 910 million outstanding shares (Yes, hipsters and Michael Moore; Apple is traded on that scary thing called the NASDAQ over on Wall Street).

Have you seen the new iPad? It’s like a huge, clumsy iPhone, only with an optional keyboard that makes it sort of like a laptop. It might be the most worthless thing I have ever seen…and yet I want an iPad more than I want world peace.

And the “Hi, I’m a Mac” commercials? Wow. They make even me want to pour gasoline on my PC and light a match. They make me want to simplify my life and wear t-shirts and listen to underground bands and focus on my art projects.

Steve Jobs is a genius and the greatest capitalist alive. Steve Jobs is my hero


  1. For awhile, Volkswagon gave away free ipod's when you bought a VW. VW were the vehicle of choice for the Nazi's. Think about it Doug...think about it.

  2. iThink you're right. iBelieve Jobs has us all brainwashed. iHope you can fight the urge to buy an iPad. iWish iHad Steve Jobs Money. iAm out!

  3. I use a mac and and my greatest pleasure is knowing that you and your computing solution are inferior. What fun is having a Mac if there is no one to look down on? The beauty is, you don't get it; you don't want to get it; you'll never get it. My computer is better, and because I know that, so am I. So long as Apple's market share stays below 50%, I am a minority and can look down on more than half the population. That is iBliss.

    Oh, and I'll loan you my iPad. I haven't found any productive use for it, but I can't keep my hands off it.


    One more thing. How many CEOs do you know by name in the top fifty? Exactly.