Monday, May 3, 2010

The Blogging Version of Golden Corral

I hate buffets. From the sex-offender-looking servers refilling the food bins to the kool-aid mustached, dried-snot-nose kids hogging the ice cream, to the tapioca-nibbling old people, to the "can-I-pay-for-half-of-this-with-food-stamps-cuz-if-not-i'm-only-paying-for-one-plate-and-will-use-that-plate-to-feed-my-family-of-8" patrons - buffets just don't do it for me.

Unfortunately, I couldn't narrow down which event from this weekend to blog about, so I'm serving it buffet style. Please, don't put any rolls in your pockets, and no dipping your grimy fingers in the gravy.


My brother and I went to game 6 of the Jazz/Nuggets game and watched the Jazz close out the series. The game was fantastic. We lost our voices yelling, made friends with a Mexican guy (how do Mexicans find black and gold jerseys for any team they are cheering for?), got freaked out by the Jazz's new midget Bear mascot, and were told to sit down several times by the "fans" sitting behind us.


I'm at a stoplight and a homeless guy is walking around with a sign asking for money. I had some change sitting in my cup holder so I roll down the window to give it to him. In the midst of this exchange, the light turns green and the car behind me starts honking like crazy.

I finally make the hand off and look in my rearview mirror to see what heartless jerk doesn't want me to help out my fellow man (who, if I've learned right from fables, could be Jesus in disguise, just testing me out.)

It's a hippie. Yep. Wearing an oversized, knit beanie, with the trendy thick-rimmed glasses (that probably don't have prescription lenses) and driving a Subaru. A Subaru with "Bush Lied, Thousands Died," and "Obama 08" bumper stickers.

I don't see what could possibly have made this person upset. I mean, if they support Obama, it's not like they have a job that they were rushing to get to. Also, I was giving someone a hand-out. Free Money. Straight from the hand of a working man to someone doing nothing but begging for money.

The only thing I can think is that the hippie was mad that I wasn't giving more than just some spare change. The hippie probably wanted to see me hand over my car keys, take off my clothes to give to the homeless guy, and buy him 4 meals, only to have the hippie then call me money-driven, capitalistic, conservative scum for not offering my underwear as well.


I'm watching the Jazz/Lakers game, during which I saw something that confused me greatly. And no, it wasn't the Kobe signature underbite after hitting a jumper. Even though I do get confused as to how mimicking poor orthodontics is supposed to intimidate a defender.

During a commercial break, I saw a trailer for The Karate Kid. Not Karate Kid 4, just The Karate Kid. "Hold on a second," you're probably thinking. "There already is a Karate Kid, with Ralph Macchio as Daniel San." You're right. But I'm not lying. There is a new Karate Kid. Instead of Ralph Macchio, though, Will Smith's kid plays Daniel San (I'm not sure if that's his name in the new one) and Jackie Chan is Mr. Miagi.

I'm confused because I feel like there is a new world order that allows any movie to be remade and presented as an original, as long as black people are starring in the new version of it, i.e. "Death at a Funeral," "The Nutty Professor..."

Who knows, maybe they are currently in production of "Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi - in his '64 Impala," "Slumdoggy dog Millionaire," and "Dumb and Dumbah"

1 comment:

  1. Remember in the original Karate Kid when Mr. Miyagi scaled the fence and rescued Daniel from Johnny and his crew. Six high school seniors against an old man - seems like the old man would need karate to win. Then I see the trailer - Jackie Chan fighting six fifth graders. And we're supposed to be impressed by his fighting prowess? I'm sure Rachel could fight a whole cub scout troop (as long as they are just bobcat, bear, and wolf - no webelos). Maybe she could audition for the role of the next Mr. Miyagi.