Saturday, March 13, 2010

Bumper Stickers: Ruining Our Good Time

Can we finally just organize a worldwide vote to officially declare bumper stickers the dumbest form of human communication of all time?

I know what you’re thinking; aren’t I forgetting Instant Messaging, Pig Latin and Sign Language?

Sure, those are dumb forms of communication, but we are looking for the dumbest of all time.

You win, bumper stickers.

Some people might read this and think, “Hey, I like bumper stickers. I have a couple on my car that really express my general outlook on life and speak to me as a unique and special snowflake.”

If you are one of those people, um…maybe we should start seeing other people, you know? Maybe take a break. Just…well…don’t contact me for a while.

You are not unique, you are not a snowflake. You are one of millions of dimwits duped into buying a mass produced item and passing it off as your own original statement of being. You suck.

Bumper stickers range from moronic stick figures depicting family members to strong statements of anger toward the beliefs of others. My five least favorite are:

War is Not the Answer- So misguided, so condescending, so exclusive to Subaru Outbacks. I guess it is hard for me to accept that war is not the answer when I was never really asked the question. If the question is “What is my favorite card game?” or “What is Jet Li’s best movie?” or “Why do hipsters hate George Bush?” well…then I would have to say War is the answer. Be more specific with your clever criticism, losers.

My Kid is an Honor Student- First of all, I can speak from personal experience that it does not take much for a kid to make the Junior High honor roll. And parents… a declaration of your kid’s nerdiness really isn’t helping your child. Take it off and maybe they’ll be willing to venture outside again.

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student- Might as well make a bumper sticker that says “My kids wear confederate flag t-shirts and are obsessed with fireworks.”

Jesus is my Homeboy- Nothing brings non-believers closer to the Lord than conjuring up images of sitting around the house listening to Cypress Hill and playing video games with the Son of God. Classy.

I’d Rather be Fishing- Why do fisherman feel such a need to express their attraction to fish? Yeah, we get it, you like to go fishing. We don’t need all the little reminders. We already figured it out based on your clothes, your smell and your mustache.


  1. Then you have the overly obscene ones. We saw a doozie when picking our kid up from school that fully explained why the first grader getting in it with both ears pierced, $100 skater shoes, and faux hawk haircut will be, or already is, so messed up. We vow not to read bumper stickers on Dodges especially.

  2. I know that the original post is about bumper stickers...although I thought it was quite the "Renob" comment to poke at sign language as a method of communication. How else is the hearing impaired supposed to communicate...Since you have all the answers... I would like to know. Thank you.

  3. Sign Language is to the dumb what Spanish is to the Mexican. I don't understand the question. Thanks for capitalzing and quotating renob, though.

  4. What a JOKE! You think you are so wittie making fun of minoritys and people less fortunate than you. You should spend your time on more productive things like hleping others and focusing on the psitive instead of tearing other down. Its people like you that hinder change in this country.

  5. hey hey...i think we can lighten up a little here. the host of this site can say whatever he likes (per freedom of know the Constitution) and seriously if you're taking him seriously about all the stupid little shots he takes then seriously you need to do some soul-searching. seriously.

    when i was a child i always used to tell my friends who didn't like the way i rolled that they could go home. "if you don't like it, you can go home." i pass the wisdom to you now.