Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Serenity Now

I just watched the Seinfeld episode where Frank Costanza is saying "Serenity Now" to keep from getting mad. At the end of the episode, Lloyd Braun tells George Costanza that saying "Serenity Now" is only bottling up anger, and eventually it will come spilling out in a rage.

This is my release of frustrations I experienced over the past week to keep me from Frank Costanza-ing someone.

Here they are in no particular order:

10. Pouring a bowl of cereal, only to find out there's no milk - This might be the biggest disappointment of my life. I could have a son end up as the only boy on the flag team in high school, but even that wouldn't match my disappointment of finding a milk-less fridge when I have a giant bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch waiting.

9. Gaucho Pants (see picture) - Capri pants were confusing enough, but now I'm dealing with ladies wearing gaucho pants. I don't know how to compliment them. I usually end up saying, "Nice pants... I mean, shorts... I mean, skirt...I mean, sweats... I mean... you look like a pirate...I mean..." and it just goes on like that for about 10 minutes until I walk away in shame.

8. Subscription cards falling out of magazines - I feel like a magician with these things. It's like that trick with the never-ending handkerchief coming out of the top hat.

7. Waitresses younger than me that call me "darling" or "sweetie" - If I am in a truck stop in Montana and a 50-year-old with smoker's lung calls me "darlin'," it's endearing. When a 17-year-old at Chili's calls me "darlin'," I feel like Chris Hansen and his To Catch a Predator crew is waiting behind the corner to hear my response.

6. People who speak with a question inflection at the end of statements - Here's the phrase: "The other day, I went to the store and I bought a gallon of milk." Here's how some people make it sound, "The other day? I went to the store? and I bought a gallon of milk?" I'm always confused as to how I should answer.

5. Watching people sing - I literally can't watch someone sing in church anymore. People always think they sing better than they actually do. And when they start getting into it and crinkle their nose and close their eyes, I feel like someone needs to be embarrassed, and - inexplicably - I always end up bearing the brunt of the embarrassment.

4. People text messaging during a movie - I'm trying to enjoy the movie, but the corner of my eye keeps catching flickers of light from Tiffany Texty over there talking to her BFF about IDK what, but it makes them both LOL and apparently can't wait until L8R.

3. Tyler Perry - Everything this guy does has been done before, yet everyone treats it like he is a comedic genius. Madea = Mrs. Doubtfire, I Think I Love My Wife Too = Couple's Retreat, House of Payne = every sitcom ever made. It's almost like if Tyler Perry does it, it is now OK for black people to laugh at it.

2. Wide Necks on T-Shirts - My wife bought me a T-shirt the other day that I thought was cool when I first looked at it. I put it on, though, and looked like I was wearing an ice-skating costume. Note to fashion designers: normal guys like necks that fit snugly. Brian Boitano does not represent the every-man.

1. Sharing dairy products - I don't know why, but I would rather eat rat poison than share ice cream, milkshakes, or a glass of milk with someone - including my wife. I realize this offenders her, but it's like dairy magnifies, locks in, and slimes up backwash from others. I don't want any part of that disgustingness

Ahhhhhh.... I feel so much better.


  1. Only worse than having no milk is taking that first bite and realizing the milk you had expired sometime last year.

  2. Doug-
    #3-Couldn't agree more

    #2-You may hate them, but you wear them well. By that I mean when we got in a fight in intramurals and someone ripped your collar giving you an extreme wide neck. You looked pretty imposing.