Heelys: Satan's Tool

I was walking through the mall the other day when a couple of welfare children scooted past me on these things. I know this may come across in a similar manner to an old man complaining about teenagers and that dad-blasted rock music, but I really, really hate Heelys.

I think the thing that drives me nuts about them is how cocky kids are when they are zipping around on them. When I'm at the mall with my wife and I'm already sick of being there, the last thing I need is some 9-year-old looking at me like he's figured out the secret of life because he has wheels in his shoes.

I don't typically advocate violence to children, but these little roller-rebels are lucky I don't have a buck knife when they roll by, because I may be tempted to cut their feet off and hit them with their own wheel-infused shoe. Not easy to be cocky when you have stubs for feet, huh kid?

Seriously, what is the point of these things? It's not like kids don't have enough energy to walk. If I saw an old lady with Type-2 diabetes wearing them, I would understand it. It gives her the dignity of mobility without the shame of a rascal scooter. I would even be understanding of kids wearing them in third world countries; I've seen families of 7 fit on a single motor scooter in Mexico, and it could make sense to free up a little more space by having a child hang on to a rope being dragged behind the scooter, like a little Heely water skier.

Instead, all I ever see is obese kids that smell like Shasta Soda Pop and potato chips cruising by me, looking at me like I'm the scum of the earth because I have to walk like some ordinary peasant.

The last person I saw pull off wearing shoes with artificial propulsion with some sembelence of dignity was Data, the Asian kid from Goonies.

So kids, here is my proposal: If you are searching for pirates' booty to keep your house from being turned into a golf course, then I will ignore your Heelys. But if you are wearing them for any other reason, I get to push you down into the gravel without being labeled a "bad person."

Deal?