Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Shutter Island for Dummies

Walking into the theater this weekend, a couple stopped us and asked what we we’re going to see. When we told them Shutter Island, they told us – between cigarette puffs – to not see it. They had just watched it and thought it was “the stupidest movie they’d ever seen.”

We have tried to make it a rule to not take movie advice from slack-jawed yokels, or at least not from anyone wearing JNCO jeans, so we ignored their warning and went. After the movie, people around us in the theater were also grumbling about how disappointed they were, which led us to conclude the following: If you get the movie, you’ll love it. If you don’t, you’ll hate it.

Luckily, we got it.

In case you’re wondering if you should spend the $7.50 (Idaho) or $38.00 (California) to go to Shutter Island, here are two checklists to help you determine the likelihood of enjoyment.

The more questions you answer “Yes” to, the more you will love this movie:

• Have you ever read a book outside of the “Goosebumps” series?
• Can you do simple math without using your fingers?
• Can you read without moving your lips?
• Do you understand that Professional Wrestling is fake?
• Can you sit still for more than an hour without doing armpit farts?
• Do you understand that wearing a Kobe Bryant jersey to a funeral is
• Can you spot all 5 grammatical errors in this sentence:We was going over they’re to here the speaker talk about why it is supposably better to be a winner than a looser.
• If you had to choose, would you make your mortgage payment ahead of your truck payment?
• Do you think skinny jeans and oversized knit beanies are silly?

The more questions you answer “Yes” to, the more you will hate this movie:

• Do you love dragons?
• Do you consider Transformers one of the top-5 movies ever made?
• Are Jay and Silent Bob funny to you?
• Do you believe the following equation: Wife Beaters > No Shirt > T-Shirt…Even in December?
• Do you complain about the poor service at Denny’s when you go in for your free grand slam?
• Is M. Knight Shyamalan the greatest director of our time?
• Do you prefer Everybody Loves Raymond to Arrested
• Do you consider Copenhagen tobacco your favorite candy?
• Do you have a friend nicknamed Stinky Ricky?

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